So while I was out on my bike this lunchtime, trying to get the blood pumping for the first time in too many weeks and celebrating the rise in temperature, I was very surprised to see a small boy walking along – apparently alone – shouting and crying. I tried to see if there was an adult who was obviously supervising this boy, but I couldn’t. I thought about carrying on regardless then thought “but what if this child really is lost, what might happen if someone not as nice as me decides to intervene?”. Another mother was keeping an eye on what was going on so I stopped to ask her if she was the child’s mother. She said no but I think that woman over there is. The woman who was striding purposefully away from the boy!
In this bad nasty world where every lone male is a paedophile and child-snatchers await on every street-corner, I thought it remarkable how little interest this mother took in her son. The boy was making a fair old racket and if someone had decided to offer him sweets and a ride in his car, she was far too far away to do anything about it. I was actually reluctant to intervene for fear of being accused of anything, but luckily nothing really needed doing.
I fear that little boy is unlikely to grow up to be a confident, aspirational person. Call me old-fashioned, but I do sometimes wonder why some people have kids if they aren’t prepared to put the effort in to bring them up.
He may well grow up into a confident, aspirational person, in some ways. It depends on his character.
Desmond Morris tackles this phenomenon quite well. I found myself agreeing with this section in his trilogy (I think it’s the middle one which applies).
I identified with the section, because of course, I identify with children like this. It apparently affects males more than females.
Basically, it really does depend on the ability of the child during his cognitive years t build up and create defence mechanisms, without a strong bond in his life. Without any emotional back up.
So a child who is bright and able to communicate will make it through. One who isn’t, won’t. It’s that harsh. Because we’re talking about a child who isn’t going to be aided into the world of human culture. They get thrown in the deep end and either sink or swim.
During adoleascence, the child will either end up being a permanent victim, or they will generally come through as a certain specific character type. Morris says there aren’t any other variants, basically. Those that DO make it through do so, because they are bright. But often a specific feature of their character is an inability to pair bond. They tend to go through a high number of short term sexual partners, they tend to have a high number of social acquiantances, but be very hard to actually get close to.
And they all seem to end up selling things, one way or another…
“Call me old-fashioned, but I do sometimes wonder why some people have kids if they aren’t prepared to put the effort in to bring them up.”
I wonder that all the time. I’ve also noted a lot of parents (all young) getting drawn into childish arguments and having tantrums themselves with their children.
It’s as if they’ve never seen how adults behave themselves, and are passing this on to their kids as a result…
This is a particular beef of mine too, Blue Eyes.
Crushed that is interesting. Are our lives really so pre-determined? Would I be doing the same as I am if I hadn’t had the support of my parents, good schooling, friends, etc? I doubt it very much.
Julia I have never seen that first hand but I can well imagine it.
Lilith that is because you are a good mother!
It’s hard to know what to do for the best in such a situation I would imagine if you are male! You are dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t
As a mother of two grown up kids I would say you had happened upon a brat who was refusing to go in the same direction as Mum. As a Mum the best thing to do is walk on keeping a discreet eye on youngester. The offending child will soon realise you are not up for being messed about and run after you.
As a mum of two children (grown now), I put to you the problems of an uncooperative child in public. Luckily my daughters didn’t throw tantrums but I had a friend whose daughter frequently threw herself on the floor screaming and kicking if she didn’t get her own way.
What do you do if your child is ranting and misbehaving in a public place?
This mum had three choices, to try to reason with the child (which normally doesn’t work without bribery), to walk away (whilst keeping an eye on him) or to drag him kicking and screaming (only to be accused of abuse).
What would have been your choice or would you do something else?
to answer your question blue eyes…because it doesn’t take any special merit to have a child…just lay with someone and chances are a pregnancy…
however i do disagree with crushed…it does affect girls in a huge way but most men don’t see it…these are the victims of domestic violence which is up in both of our countries…they are continually looking for the love they never received as a child and will take it with a punch if that is the only way they can get it…
i don’t think there is one sex which is affected more or less by the lack of upbringing and i know it doesn’t take a rocket scientist or psychiatrist to diagnose the problem…it’s simple…really
Darwen, of course it could have been that and probably was. My initial reaction was exactly that, but my interest was piqued because I couldn’t see a candidate for “mother”.
I was made to feel very unwanted as a child, an eternal disappointment. My mother was basically a narcissist who made me feel that everything was my fault. I came home covered in bruises one day after being roughed up by a boyfriend. She told me it was my fault for not knowing how to handle a man. I would come home to find him chatting to her in the kitchen and she would urge me to ‘have a chat and sort it out’. However much I naturally resisted I was trained to be a victim.
I have red buttons now and no-one can understand why certain things hurt as much as they do. When I mention how my family treats me people think I’m odd or making it up for some reason but it has always been that way.
My sister, who is favoured, has been married a number of times and seems to need a boyfriend. I haven’t and don’t. I don’t have trouble with interest in me, I am and always have been interested in many things in life and do not feel a driving need to be paired up.
Having said all that it is true that even caring mothers can get to the end of their tether and sometimes the best thing to do is walk off whilst remaining aware of the child. You are assuming, are you not, that if you’d tried to take the child she wouldn’t have cared. You don’t know that. After all, as you say the child was making enough noise – how could she not know where it was?
And so you all are what things have come to. Rich in explanations and excuses.
anonymous 21:45…
i gave information, not an excuse…if you don’t know the difference i suggest you look it up…
Anon, I did not say she wouldn’t have cared. I said that if someone had tried to take the child away she may not have been able to stop them – because she was that far away. She almost certainly knew exactly where the boy was, but she was not close enough to stop something bad happening. He could have walked into traffic equally.
Why do people have kids if they are not interested ?
Because they fuck.
Simple.
Blue, I stand corrected.
FYI: Anon 21:45 is not the same Anon 21:30. But Anon 09:36 is.
I suggest you invent yourself a nickname then!