1. A ‘stop’ by our long term neighbour, a 35 year old bachelor farmer still living with his widowed mum, in which he idiotically pretended not to know me. It went like this

“Is this your car sir?”
“Hello Russell; you see it parked in the drive every day”
“Can I ask where you’re going, sir?”
“Off to Burstall Grange to meet some totty. Any prospects on the female front for you, Russell? I can get you a date if you like ..”
“I’m concerned with your documents, sir”
“Your mum’s concerned with you not being the marrying kind, Russell – but we don’t talk about that, do we?”

2. A special who used to patrol the shared parking area of a mate in Ipswich – in which he had a right to park, along with other residents, but no designated space – at night, behind the houses; after he told me I couldn’t park there and I remonstrated there were no controls, he threatened to arrest me. We made statements to the Suffolk police HQ and he got the sacky and had to give his uniform back. Aah. He then BOUGHT a fake uniform and continued to make a nuisance of himself in the shared car park. We used to be VERY rude to him after that.

Then there was the real plod who lived next door to a small village shop. After a good winter’s morning rough shooting we parked the Volvo outside his house and went to get some freshly made ham rolls. He hated anyone parking outside his house. When we came out, there he was, looking at the (broken and unloaded) shotguns in the back. When he started the bullshit – “I have to face armed criminals who steal guns from careless people like you …” my mate asked
“How many?”
“What?”
“How many armed criminals have you faced in your police career?”
The answer was ‘none’, clearly, as he went straight into a ‘I’m all that stands between you and psycopathic murderers’ rant. Then the lady from the shop came out and said “Don’t take any notice of him; he’s always imtimidating anyone who parks outside his house – he’s pissed off because the Council won’t do yellow lines for him”

Yes, I’ve met decent coppers – but there are a HELL of a lot of them that are inadequate little nonentities who seek the boost of the uniform to try to make them the man they clearly aren’t.

I also used to like the fact that there used to be a bus stop right outside the door with the poster “Foyle’d again? Try Waterstones”

(For those of a non London location, there was a massive Waterstones (now Borders) directly opposite Foyles on the CCR.)

As a granddad, I find I’m going through the same process again, though different in intensity. However, to all ‘YOU KIDS OUT THERE’ please call us.

We will find and care for you. After that your arse is grass!!

PC – I used to lose myself in Foyle’s. It’s just not the same anymore. There used to be nooks and crannies where no man had set foot in decades. Progress, eh??

BQ – Excellent – although I hope the laptop wasn’t hurt in the incident.

I think humans underestimate the ‘first experience’ and how it can change their opinions regardless of their expected attitudes.

Get brought up in a nice middle-class, law abiding household and find that your first experience of the police is of a jobsworth, and it can colour your experience forever.